Wednesday, November 11, 2009

3rd Official day

OK so best laid plans and all that..... well the sausage supper turned into pork chop with Broccoli and sauteed red cabbage, just mucked up on the amount I think! Had a huge chop with a whole plate full of veggies and then went back for another plate full of veggies. Felt stuffed and annoyed with myself - and seriously contemplated sticking my fingers down my throat but resisted. Then had a Horlicks with the little man before he went to bed and felt exhausted by 8.30pm.

I should have gone to bed then - it was all I could think of as I sat the computer desperately trying to put another item up on EBay before my eyes went square or I died of was touch and go which was going to come first.... but no I pushed myself thinking about all the lovely things I wanted to buy for people in Dubai and the money I needed. Till eventually I was through the fog of the Horlicks and wide awake again. Damn! So slumping on the sofa to 'watch something before bed' THE HUNGER began to strike. You know what I am talking about don't you. That 9.30ish peckishness that turns into a rabid raiding of the cupboards, the tipping out of the kids sweetie jar desperately rummaging for anything other than the jellied eyeballs left over from Halloween. The ideas that begin to pop into your head as you realise that in your thoroughness everything and anything that could be classed as a treat has gone - this is when you get cunning. I have come up with some shockers at this stage.... Banana dipped in or rather smeared in Nutella - well the banana is healthy! Wholemeal oat cakes smeared with melted marshmallows that I found at the back of the cupboard, Stale bread topped with an inch thick layer of Philly, then marmalade, honey and nuts! The nuts are healthy but I HATE marmalade, why do I do it?????

But last night I resisted! No not for me I was going to be good - a white hens chick and polish my halo in the morning. Besides I had already eaten my body weight in sauteed red cabbage so who was I kidding that I had not 'binged'. Instead I opened the bread bin, ignoring the 2 chocolate mini rolls left tauntingly at the top, pushing the Cinnamon and raisin bagels to one side and pulled out - oh yes my BIG treat for the evening........ Dr Krag 3 seed wholemeal crispbread with no butter or any other adornment at all! It was heaven. Just knowing that I had allowed myself a 'treat' at that time of night after my self imposed no food after 6.30 rule made me feel like the proverbial kid in a candy shop. I savoured every morsel even licking the runaway seeds of my still extremely ample bussom - completely ignoring the TV whilst doing this and thus loosing the plot entirely of Collision - so if anyone can bring me up to speed please do!

Then of course I was still awake at 12am! I am not sure if it was all the black coffee I had been drinking during the day or the fact that I had missed my window of sleeping at 8.30 when I battled through it, or I was now just obsessing about how I was not going to obsess about not eating anything! Enough was enough in the end and after 'tanking' 2 huge glasses of water I forced myself into bed with a book. I was asleep after 30 minutes and awake again not long after needing to pee like a horse after all the water!

So my conclusion is water may be good for you - but not at 12am and not if you are wanting to sleep........

Still it is a new day and I have swum 0.5 km and am now looking forward to my watery porridge and some grapes - oh yeah variety is the spice of life!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dubai Here I come - Ready or Not!

So we have all been told to write a food diary when we are dieting so that we can see exactly how much we stuff into our mouths. Yes all those little tit bits that pass our lips that we so happily forget when we moan to our friends how despite surviving on a lettuce leaf and some vitamin supplements for the past 4 days not a pound has shifted. Well I have been there and done that - and got so Nazi on my own ass that all I ate was pumpkin soup and dry crackers - I ended up in tears all the time and suffering from malnutrition!

Well I am going to try the more modern way and blog it instead, but the twist being you get everything - not just the food but all the gory details too. And pictures! Ah yes the beauty of a camera phone and lead means that nothing is sacred anymore - lets hang it out for every one to see.

The reason for all this I hear you ask? Well you really do sometimes get breaks you would not believe and I have been handed one. I am of to Dubai in three weeks with a Friend - no children in tow and I need to do something drastically. I am currently as I stand in my stocking feet a substantial 4 stone over weight. Now I know I am not going to get rid of that in just under 3 weeks but if I can shift a bit I am going in the right direction. It has taken me about two years to put this on so I now need to take it of but not over two years.

Before we get down to basics perhaps I should tell you the hows, whys and wherefores of my weight and constant yo yoing. I started life as a very attractive child with long dark hair and bright blue eyes - sounds like the beginning to a fairy tale doesn't it! Its not its an Aesop's fable....
Now I could start banging on about how my family gave me a negative self image by saying constantly I took after my fathers side of the family and therefore had the perpensity to be fat - so why not eat all the chocolates? Often talking about how my mother never had to worry about her weight, had an 18" waist till she had kids etc - she had and still has a fantastic figure - think Kiera Knightly without the tree trunk legs. How could I, the pretty but always rounded of cheeked girl, compete with that? But no I am going to OWN my faults as the Americans would say. Stand up and own what is mine, it is my unhealthy obsession with food and not foisted onto me by my family. Besides I love them and they screwed me up in other ways, they can't lay claim to everything!

So even from a young age I ate in excess. I remember I was a toddler and Mother had a whole colander full of the juiciest, reddest strawberries you can imagine. They looked like little bits of red heaven and smelt so sweet. Well you can guess what I had to do - yep eat the lot. The whole colander right there and then without taking breath. No thinking was done just the taste in my mouth and then juice running down my chin - I really should stop this it is like torture! Anyway needless to say when confronted I denied and there began my game of over indulgence and denial that we all know so well.

Here I am now at the grand age of 37 with two kids and a business of my own, and at least 4 stone of extras from a constant round of excess and denial. For years I have been able to go through this and then drop it just like that but the last 7 years it has got harder. Especially after baby number two. Also things just aren't in the right place anymore and that does not help you want to keep it looking good. Still it is more than just a fashion issue now it is health and I know it. So the smoking finally got kicked on the head in the summer and now its time to kick this into touch too. I am going to get rid of the weight - and hopefully with this as my confessional get rid of the mental issues as well.

The count down for Dubai began on Sunday when flights were confirmed and arrangements made. I only let one piece of chocolate pass my lips - one exceedingly chocolaty mini roll from M+S mmmm - and a last blow out meal of Pad Thai. Monday morning it was into zero tolerance - and whilst I am resisting the urge to go crash dieting it is hard - and started with porridge made with water and a small squeeze of honey to be daring, a satsuma and black coffee. I always used to drink black coffee when I was younger thinking I was so rock 'n roll usually whilst smoking Marlboro filter less cigarettes dressed in a black biker jacket, tight jeans and biker boots - can you tell it was the early 90's!? Now I just see black coffee as a penance sent to me for drinking to many mocha frappacinos - they are the devils work! Watery soup for lunch which was very tasty I hasten to add, drizzled with olive oil and toasted seeds for my oil intake, one slice of rye seeded bread, 1 pint of water and two more black coffee's. By the end of the day the black coffee and lack of food was taking its toil and I was feeling 'funny' - OK a bit more than funny kind of delirious but I had that taste in my mouth that comes when you know your body is burning body fat and not food. Then for my evening meal it was homemade onion, cheese and pepperoni quiche one quarter of, and another satsuma. I caved at 10pm and had one more satsuma as I thought I was going to climb the walls - not through lack of food but lack of shoving something down my throat!

I have always been good at shoving things down my throat and I have just had a lightening bolt moment - Mother if you ever read this forgive me! - If I am not shoving food down there then it is replaced with something else. Ladies I think you can guess what this, and guys if you are reading this practice makes perfect and I am very practiced. So when I am skinny and denying food I find a substitute and it is usually a penis - god Freud would have a field day with me. Perhaps after having dealt with the weight and food issues I need to deal with this as well - you see when you start digging you don't always come up with answers just more issues!

Anyway back to today. Today I was going to start the structured exercise - oh yes bouncing about and stretching were going to have to come into this if I was going to look at least less blobby than I am now. Bingo wings are a definite no no even if Madonna does have them now. Yeah we all know she does it is just the elephant in the room that no-one wants to mention. See you can be exercising four hours a day and still end up with the bloody things nature is so cruel.
I have had a swim card for the local pools and have not been near one for at least a month - well longer as the company sent me an email the other day asking if I was getting as much from my monthly subscription as I could. Mmm yes definitely longer than a month then. I do have a swim bag permanently packed and ready to go in a cupboard but it just never sees the light of day. So today is the day - ten lengths at least, and then I get breakfast. Well I did it, in fact I did 20! All sorts of different strokes came into play some of which I am sure I made up! and there was no point in timing anything but I managed it. 20 x 50m means a 1km swim......not bad if I do pat myself on the back. Then I came home and was actually looking forward to my grey porridge, satsuma and black coffee. I have more soup to look forward to today, followed by sausages and veggies - no potatoes - for tea and loads and loads of water all day! Just to finish the day of with some excitement I am planing 20 minutes working out on the elastic band I have stashed somewhere where it can do me no harm.

Wish me luck!